Satan Was Way Cool
By: Chris Xefos, John S. Hall, King Missile
Original Performance: King Missile
Written by: Chris Xefos, John S. Hall, King Missile
Satan was way cool.
Everybody was in awe of Satan.
He never wore clothes. He just walked around with a goatee and horns coming out of his head. He had tattoos and was probably into body-piercing way before anyone else.
Satan was the snake that tempted Eve. He knew how lame Eden was so he invented sex. Adam and Eve were thankful and had lots of sex which increased the population. Finally, there was too many people, so Satan invented war, so people could kill each other. That way, there was more places to live and more food.
After many wars, people got bored, so God gave them Jesus. Soon they killed Jesus, and got bored again.
So Satan gave them rock and roll.
Rock and roll became bigger than religion. Everyone wanted to be in a rock and roll band. When Robert Johnson wanted to learn how to play guitar, all he had to do was go down to the crossroads and ask Satan. Satan gave Jimi Hendrix a can of lighter fluid to set fire to his guitar. He even lent Jim Morrison some beads and a pair of leather pants. Satan hung out with all the rock stars. And when they got too famous, or too fat, or their music started to suck, he helped them make the best possible career move. He killed them.
That was so cool.
In the early days, Satan used to hang out with God. Then people made up stories, giving Satan a bad name, so God got uptight and wouldn't let Satan hang around anymore.
But that was OK.
Satan went down to the earth, under the ground, and started his own place. This place was way cooler than heaven. People could go there and party and get wasted without worrying about their job or responsibilities.
It was like a big club with no cover charge. There was no rules. Everything was free.
They could go there and stay for eternity.