Zatyricon [Version (a)]:
Hello, can I help you?
Yeah, do you do fat grafting?
Oh great. I had a tail put on by Dr. Gordon.
And I want to have some fat grafted onto it. I want to thick it up.
You have some fat where?
Well, I have a tail attached to my spine and I want to thicken it up. I want it to be bigger.
Would that be the botox injection? Or would that be the fat grafting?
OK, hold on a second. I don't think you have the right person.
OK, no problem.
Thanks for holding. May I help you?
Hi, yeah. I had a tail put on about 4 years ago, attached to my spine and I've got some hair growing on it that I need to get...
Well, come and get rid of it!
That's why I'm calling you! Can I come in tonight?
Actually, you can come in for a consultation. Let me tell you how we work here.
Sure. First of all, one session is not going to get rid of your hair. That's because hair grows in three phases. All human bodies need at least three sessions of laser treatment. And I say "at least" because if you're talking about let's say your beard, you may need up to eight.
Well, this is my tail.
Right, so then you obviously will need less. But I just want to educate you about, you know, different body parts.
So depending on the amount of hair you have, it will tell you how many sessions you will need.
But here is the best part of how we work.
We offer you different types of enrollment. So if, let's say, we quote you a price... let's say, fifty dollars. You can pay as you go, every time you come in, fifty dollars. Or if you pay for three sessions up front, we will give you two complementary sessions. And that's our way of guaranteeing that your hair won't come back. Because we definitely don't want to see you five times for the same area. We try to give you the type of treatment that's gonna be effective. So if we do see you, hopefully it will be for a different body part.
[phone is ringing.]
Do you need to get the other line?
Umm, no, let's let it go. I'm fascinated by what you're saying. [snort]
OK, so this is what we do here. You come in, you watch a five-minute video, because we like our patients to be astute about what they're getting into. We do guarantee the lowest price, that the machine we use is the latest technology in the market today for hair removal. And we basically take a deposit from you because without the deposit we cannot book the time of the machine for your use.
And that's how we work.
That sounds great. I see here upper lip is 29 dollars, underarm is $39, bikini line $49, arm $119.
How much for a tail?
Umm, it really depends. It really depends. It really...
It's about four feet long.
OK. You're talking about your head, right? Your head tail?
No. I have a tail attached to my spine.
A tail attached to your spine? On the lower spine?
And that was because of a surgery?
I see. And uh, ok, when you say four feet. . .four feet is the length of your hair?
No, it's the length of my tail.
Wow. That's a long tail.
And you guys just do laser hair removal?
No, actually we do microderm abrasion. We do lazer resurfacing. We do body contouring with endymology.
Do you do botox injections?
I'm a semi-amateur bodybuilder and weightlifter.
Then you should do your whole chest, your back, your legs!
Well, I want my face just to look like, you know, like, like care, you know.
I know what you mean.
Let me tell you how it works. They take a virus, they beat it up with a hammer, literally. OK, they make you weak, then they inject that weak virus into your muscle. Botulism virus causes paralysis, ok? So it basically temporarily paralyzes a muscle. Usually facial muscles, whatever.
Well, here's what happens. The body's normal reaction to a traditional virus is antibody release. OK, so now antibodies are going to come up to fight this virus.
You know what? I don't have time for this. We're wasting time here...
OK, I'm a semi-amateur weightlifter and I've got a competition coming out. And I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do. I look like an idiot. She injected the botox into my face and it completely killed my face.
This bizarre electronic instrumental gets a little overshadowed by the silly crank call sampled over it. The music is pretty sweet though, and I'd love to hear it without the call!
Beck has mentioned that he found advertisements in the back of weekly papers for lazer vizaginal rejuvenations
to be greatly amusing, and oddly inspiring for the writing of Midnite Vultures
. This finds one of his crew (Tony Hoffer) calling one of these doctors to get information about receiving botox injections in his face, as well as removing the hair from the four-foot tail on his butt.
Let the doctor rock you!